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In this issue...
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By David J. O'Leary
One seminar speaker referred to them as "EGR" people, "extra grace required." When you deal with EGR people, you need special reserves of God's grace. They may be irresponsible, critical, abusive, and manipulative. They seldom follow through on plans. They fail to show up for appointments. Sadly, some appear to reject all we say and ultimately abort their children. We have all met such people. They make you want to give up; at least, give up on them!
The work we do already taxes our strength. The needs are so great, the clients so confused and fearful, the resources so limited. In spite of that, women and men across our country continue to serve for little or no pay, giving their time, their energy, and their reserves of patience and kindness to those who tempt us to give up. Giving up means we stop believing that we can help. We feel betrayed, we withdraw, we avoid, we counsel on "automatic pilot," and we stop serving the client and begin protecting ourselves.
You see hints of the agony over betrayal in the life of the Apostle Paul. "Demas," he says, "Because he loved this world, has deserted me" (II Timothy 4:10). John Mark abandoned Paul and Barnabas in Pamphylia on their first mission trip (Acts 13:13). When Paul opposed the hypocritical view of the Gospel which Peter and others had at Galatia, you hear his pain and anguish at Barnabas' betrayal: "even Barnabas was led astray" (Galatians 2:13). Paul knew the temptation to give up on people.
When such a situation arises, it may be time to set boundaries to limit the abuse of the time and the resources of your center. You may also have to arrange for someone else to work with the client. Referring the difficult client to another counselor keeps you from burn-out and assures better ministry for the woman or man in need. But, is there anything else that can be done to salvage the situation? Yes. You can reconsider your approach to the situation. You can remember the facts and remember the principles.
REMEMBER THE FACTS
Sometimes a client wanders away from sound counsel and care. You never hear from her again and assume the worst. You grieve, you worry, you wonder, and you torture yourself, ruminating about what you could have done differently. But there are more facts than these. Some clients never return. That is their choice. And sometimes a client comes back, but you never hear about it. Another volunteer may have the joy of seeing her turn her life around and go on to bring glory to God. And (best of all!) sometimes you get to see the day when hope is revived and a woman is changed by God's grace.
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GIVING UP
MEANS WE STOP
BELIEVING
THAT WE
CAN HELP. |
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REMEMBER THE PRINCIPLES
1. Remember who your clients are. As Jesus saw the multitudes gathered around Him in the wilderness, He had compassion on them because they were like sheep without a shepherd (Mark 6:34). The women and men who come into our centers are frightened, confused, hurt, unwise, and unaware. They have been sinned against, and they are sinners themselves. Why should we expect them to be perfectly responsive and reliable? Why would we be surprised that working with them will stretch our resources, our insight, and our patience?
2. Remember who you are. You have often stretched the Lord's patience with your own sin, your own confusion, your own stubbornness, and your own irresponsibility. You and I are cut from the same cloth as the people we try to serve! Our understanding of how much patience others have needed with us will enhance our ability to endure when we feel like giving up on someone else.
3. Remember Who the Lord is. How long does He put up with sinners who continue to defy Him, disobey Him, and ignore Him? When faced with the persistent sin of Ephraim and Israel, the Lord said: "How can I give you up, Ephraim? How can I give you over, Israel?" (Hosea 11:8) Just as the Lord has shown us grace when we didn't deserve it, we are called to show grace toward others.
4. Remember the hope of the Gospel. Remember that Paul got into a sharp dispute with Barnabas. Paul was ready to give up on John Mark because he was unreliable. The immediate result was that Paul and Barnabas went separate ways. But years later Paul and Mark were reconciled, and we read that Paul wrote that Mark was "helpful to me in my ministry" (II Timothy 4:11).
5. Remember your calling. You are called to serve not to save. In our work, we offer help to those in need because of the love and compassion of the Lord Jesus. It is not for us to rescue the lives of the women, men, and children with whom we deal. Our calling is to offer a way, proclaim hope in Christ, and give practical assistance. Only God can rescue, and only our clients can reach out for that help for themselves.
It will never be easy to deal with people who sin, who disappoint, who fall short. But such are we, and we have been shown the grace of God in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. By that grace we are able to bear with the "extra grace required" people whom God has brought into our centers and into our lives. "Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails" (I Corinthians 13:7, 8).
| ABOUT THE AUTHOR: David O'Leary is married and has four children. He pastors a church in Ipswich, MA. He holds degrees from Tufts University (B.A.), Westminster Theological Seminary (M.A.R., M.Div.), and Covenant Seminary (D.Min.). He can be reached at djoetc@aol.com. |
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